PS: Even with two prior kids, this has NEVER happened to me.
1. Scream "NOOOOOOO" for 2 minutes straight at a volume that your entire neighborhood can hear.
2. Start crying.
3. Remove baby from the scene and vigorously scrub his bottom, legs, feet, hands and mouth with baby wipes.
4. Give baby a bath.
5. Drain water, repeat.
6. Ground baby for the first time.
7. Bleach bathtub.
8. Take a picture of the incident.
9. Post picture on Facebook and ask for help if you've never dealt with this type of situation.
10. Call husband at work crying and tell him what his son just did.
11. Take Facebook friends' advice of scooping and cleaning/deodorizing.
12. Be extra thankful you just picked up carpet cleaner and bleach the last time you went to the store.
13. Have a cup of tea and try to pretend the whole thing didn't happen.
14. Get hardwood floors.
(In a really kind of (not) funny twist, today Nate was talking about ripping out our carpet and getting hardwood.)