Ashton Kutcher: Everyone pretty much knows you are a DB, but the greasy, scruffy look really is just exaggerating the point. Clean up your chin (and your act).
Jennifer Lopez: I'm pretty sure you are in the middle of a midlife crisis. You are a mom. Lose the teen boyfriend.
Brad Pitt: Beards are not cute. Neither are mullets.
Edit: So much better! (But you're still a jerk.)