Thursday, March 18, 2010

The time is upon me. Maybe.

2008

So remember how I got the fever?

It's one of those weird fevers that comes on really strong and then maybe I'll take some Advil and it goes away for awhile. 
Then it comes back.
You're supposed to feed a fever right? (Feed a fever, starve a cold.)  No problem there!

The clock is ticking louder than ever and I feel like I need to make the decision now.
Like now now.
The thing is I cannot make up my mind.

You've figured out I'm talking babies right?

Going from 2 to 3 is like the decision of all decisions.
I'm sure this internal debate has happened to other girls and I'm ready to discuss.  We need to hurry though, I've got a deadline.
 
When we decided to try for our first baby it was a no brainer.  We got married, wanted to have kids, waited a year, went off birth control, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again, and had a bouncing boy.  We knew he wasn't going to be an only child so six months later we decided it was the right time, went off birth control, got pregnant, got scared when there was bleeding, and had a precious girl. 
That could be the end of the story and I would mostly be satisfied with that. 
Before we had the two babies we always said 3.

3

3 is kinda scary you know? 
I'm comfortable with 2. 
I'm lounging around in my comfort zone of 2 kids.
They can feed themselves, pee by themselves, dress themselves, get in and out of the car themselves, and turn on the DVD player by themselves.
I have two hands so I can hold hands with both of them at the same time.  There is also the one parent to one kid ratio which means there is no one riding with a stranger on the Buzz Lightyear ride at Disneyland.

But when I look at our family portrait I can't help but feel like someone is missing.

Right now they are 4 and 3.  Porter turns 5 in May and Blanche turns 4 in October.  Even if I got pregnant right now, by the time the baby was born there would be quite an age gap.  I worry about a straggler that doesn't quite fit in with the others.  Then it almost seems like you have to have one more so the two can grow up together. And there is no way we're doing 4.

Is it selfish to even ask the Lord for another gift when I have already been blessed with two amazing, healthy children?
Should I just devote all of my time and energy to the ones I have instead of spreading myself even thinner?  
These are the questions I'm constantly agonizing over. 
If I have to think about it this much, I should probably just not do it right?  

And there's college right around the corner. 
We were in Costco this weekend and ran into a family friend.  She made a comment that our kids are growing up so fast.  I made the comment, "I guess it's time for another one." 
You know what she said?  "Oh no, you have college to think about."
She doesn't hold back.

Then I have my Grandma who is always saying, "You've already got a boy and a girl, that's all you need."   (The funny part is she had a girl and boy and then had two more kids.) 
I also have a co-worker who says, "You already have the perfect family-one boy and one girl." (She has 5 kids.)
My BFF says, "Oh just do it already!"  (She has 3.)

My other big concern is that if I finally make a decision and it's to go ahead with procreating, I may not be able to conceive.  I have fears that because of my PID (not from an STD mind you, but due to the rarest side effect of Mirena), I might have scar tissue in or around my Fallopian tubes.  I guess I could just get this checked out and know definitively. 

Are you understanding my problem here?
Geez, do the Duggers go through this every time?

We plan to be living in our forever house in five years.  I can deal with cramped quarters if I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we would need a new car to accommodate three kids.

So yeah, there's a lot of pros and cons to adding the third kid.  Maybe I'm just a freak that analyzes things way too much, but come on, we are talking about a human life here.

Opinions?

27 witty remarks:

momof3girls said...

Anytime you decide to have a child it is a big decision. I found it even a Bigger decision to be made once I had one - I think it is because I knew fully what I was getting into, the things they do not tell you in baby books!
We have 3 girls. When my husband and I got married we agreed to 3 with the option of 4 kids. When child 2 arrived and was getting older, I would look at them at the table and I felt like somebody was missing!! I always had that "feeling".
Once we had child 3 (and yes somethings change but not bad just different-we laugh and say instead of parenting one on one, we play zone defense!) it always felt complete. We waited to see if that feeling would change and it didn't so my hubby is going in for his vascetomy on the 25th -our youngest is 6 now,
My advice is don't overthink it, pray about it, and if you feel led to try to have another give it a reasonable amount of time and see what happens. After all most Big decision are made by God for us.

However what ever you decide on what the # of kids is right for family-they never warn you as a woman that you will go thru a period of time once the decision is made that you are a little blue. When you realize you will never ever be pregnant again, bring home a newbie from the hospital, or even have a pregnancy scare. They really should warn woman about this! All my girlfriend have had similar experiences. We compare it to a mild case of post partum depression. It quickly passes but it really does hit you for a day or two -I guess it just takes some things a little time to sink in. Good luck to you, I will be praying for you and your family! (by the way our last name is Barnes)

Anonymous said...

Good luck. We have three...the first two planned and the third a wonderful surprise. I love it! A friend just told me the other day..."when you are older you never regret having kids, you look back and regret when you didn't". Pray about it and good luck!

Sara said...

I'm not sure the Duggars ever wondered these things...

mommara said...

Just found your blog. My bestie and I were just having this very conversation last week. I just can't decide if I want/ am ready for #2. I think I should get the fever like I did when I got pregnant with him but, it just hasn't happened yet... Hmmm Right now I'm just praying and waiting. Seems like a good plan for now. Good Luck to you. We were a family of 3. My brother and I were 18m apart. My sister is 9 years younger. She was always like our baby doll. So it was perfect. :)

Brittany@Superwoman said...

I have 3. There's a 5 year age gap between the first two, and a 3 year gap between #s 2 and 3. It's great because I get to enjoy each stage of life with each kid. I love toddlers, the world is so facinating to my preschooler, and I love talking about real issues with my 4th grader.
It's a wonderful mix

The Georges said...

I go through all your exact thoughts when I get the "fever." It's so hard to decide. Good luck! I feel like I still have a couple years to decide since Austin is only 1. You do make adorably precious babies though! :)

Bridget said...

you will never regretting having another, you may regretting NOT having another. (says the mother of 3 within 3 years)

Kirstan said...

Hi Jill!
I know where you are. We were there about 18 months ago. And we were feeling like something was missing as well. It took us 6 months to conceive #3 and once it happened, the girls were always in meltdown mode (not because I was preg) but just the stage we were in with our family. However, it has been the best thing that has happened to us. Nolan and Bella are 4 years apart. And then Sydney is 6....but they LOVE their little brother and are so helpful. And going from 2 to 3 is easy. It was harder going from 1 to 2. They are very much in love with this baby even if they dont get the same amount of attention as they did before. We prayed that if it was God's will, we would get pregnant (all during the time we were trying) so when it took 6 months, I was fearful it was not HIS will, but it was not the right timing. When it did happen, it was the right timing and Im so glad that we have been blessed with #3. Good luck, you will be blessed for sure :)

Jessica said...

I'll go out on a limb and say, just do it! :) Your sister will have 3 kids too, right? You could be in the same phase together. Or you could just enjoy hers. :)

Sandy, Sisters of Season said...

Hi Jill,

All three of my kids are three 1/2 yrs. apart, not planned, just turned out that way. I was completely surprise with my daughter, she was the third one and I thought I was having another boy . . that was a good surprise and I only wanted two children in the beginning. If you can handle two children, one more doesn't really make a difference. When college time comes around, it gets a little expensive . . but it always seems to work out. Keep God centered in your family, he'll never mislead you. I can't imagine not having one of my kids, they are all so special . . Our kids are what makes us the people we are. Pray on it.

Anonymous said...

Just do it already! :-)

Anonymous said...

I agree, when you are older you will never regret having a third child to love. I have two five years apart and the older one was loving and helpful with the new sister. When he went away to college I said to my husband - "I wish we had had three kids!"

Anonymous said...

Jill,

Seriously, I mean really serious. You are a great Mommy. I love how you said "it feels as though someone is missing." There are days I feel that too, but we can't have any more (without IVF again). Just try. Trust God. See what (who) He has for you! Lori is having another one, so they can grow up together like siblings so no worries about being "left out". You can't worry about tomorrow (college, energy, cars...) just today. I can tell you really want more, so try and see what happens. Don't worry!
Lots of Love,
Janna

Anonymous said...

I agree- going from 2 to 3 is way easier than going from 1 to 2. I have 3 and am thankful for them always. They are in college now and it is expensive but what about having kids isn't.

Go for it!

Steviem said...

Just wanted to say that I feel exactly the same way you do :) I have 2 healthy kiddos: a 3 1/2 yr old son and a 1 1/2 yr old daughter. We get the same comments as you, "why try for more... you have the perfect family- a boy and a girl." I have always wanted three kids but man... they are so much work and they are expensive, as we all know! The decision to have 3 weighs on me heavily.... like, I think about it every.single.day. I worry that I won't be able to get pg, or that I won't have a healthy baby since I already "used my luck up," with the 2 I have. It was a no brainer for us to have our first, and then go from 1 to 2, but going from 2 to 3 is a HARD decions! And to make matters worse, I am quite a bit older than you! I just turned 37 which freaks me out even more! I really don't have any time to sit and think. If we are going to do this, we need to act NOW! Ugh.... sorry to post such a long comment. I suppose it was more of a vent than anything. Best of luck to you with your decision :)

MiMi said...

My comment is short: Do what your heart tells you. Which is God whispering.
You will NEVER regret or not love a 3rd. But you COULD regret NOT having the 3rd to love.

Rob, Tami, and Luca Bellenghi said...

We are going back and forth with the same thoughts...always planned on three but now that we have two we are reevaluating the situation....Luca was easy but Gia rocked our world there for a while, can't imagine another one but at the same time we couldn't imagine one or two so who knows...I have a year or so to decide....i think you should do it though...

Traci said...

Jill you're an amazing Mama and it looks like you really savor it and live in the moment. Your family will be perfect either way. You and Nate do what you think is right and that's all any of us can do. You'll know when you're done. I think I'm done, which feels so weird since I'm young, love kids, and think I'm a good Mom, but for us, 2 is magic number.

Anonymous said...

I agree that you should go for it!! I have three that are 11,12, and 13. I am so sad that I am not able to have any more babies. It makes me feel like I am a broken woman, weird to explain but its exactly how I feel. So far what I see everyone is for you having a third baby, what does your hubby say?

Anonymous said...

Hey Jill,
I was also in your position about 3years ago, but we have two girls and really want a boy! Anyways, my husband and I kept going back and forth, first he wanted one, then me.... After a year of this we didcided yes! So also having an IUD I had it taken out. Now a year and a half later, nothing. My point is I wish we hadn't wasted so much time debating, whats meant to be will be. Now my youngest is almost six and I know thats spreading them out, but I still hope it happens for me! Good luck!

Laurie said...

I could honestly just cut and paste what you wrote to my blog...I feel the same way, but even though things are wonderful right now, I always wanted more than 2.

Kristen Ann said...

If Nate's on board, Do it. Like literally. ;) If you're prego you're prego, if you're not, you're not... and be at peace with whatever happens.
If Erik was on board, I would try for three...
Just keepin it real.

Erin C. said...

Jill- Elise was 5 and Ava was 4 when we had Trenton. It is such a nice gap! We felt like someone was missing from our family too, and now I cannot imagine our family without him!
After I got pregnant I was so afraid I "pushed my luck" by trying to have one more healthy baby when God had already blessed us with two. I think it's a common fear. And going from 2-3 was cake compared to 1-2!!
Good luck you guys!
Erin

Christianne @ Little Page Turners said...

I'm in the same boat... except I don't want a third. My pregnancies are difficult and miserable, my newborns are even more miserable, and I don't want to put my poor family (all money considerations aside) through me going through that again. AND YET, I daydream about being pregnant and adding another child to our clan. I think we all have a biological instinct to have more children.

So I'm focusing on being grateful with the blessings God's given me. If He wants to add an "oops" one day, then we'll be thrilled with a third child. But otherwise, I'm trying to work on being content with (and the best mom I can to) the two awesome kids He's entrusted me with.

Good luck with the decision! It's not an easy one.

The Downs family said...

JILL!! Don't over think it...the Lord knows exactly what you need so start having free love and see what happens! ;-) And why would you have to get a new car??? Are you telling me your car only seats 4??? Can't be true!

Anyways, you know we support more kids! It's just so fun growing up in a big family!!!

LuckyStarErin said...

It's so hard to know. I have two and would love another but there are too many obstacles for us.
Just got Mirena about 4 months ago...now you're scaring me! Did you get bad headaches with it, too?

Em @ Bunch of Scrap said...

I think you are actually supposed to starve a fever, feed a cold... but I am glad you decided to feed your baby fever. Gus was meant to be. :)